All my life, I’ve been dispensable. People can do without me. People leave whether I like it or not… Sometimes people leave because there’s no choice. I wonder if it’s some kind of jinx. I wonder if it’s just the way my life is meant to be.
Starting with my father leaving me, my mother… our family…. For another woman ….or maybe because he couldn’t deal with my mother. Because running was the only thing he knew how to do. And he did it well. Isolated himself from my life. Not my sister’s. That’s blatant rejection. I don’t understand why even now. But I dealt with it. Tried to be strong for my mother…. She needed someone on her side. She needed a man in the house. I was the man. At that little age, I learned how to take care of myself. Till date, she says she never had any problems with me as a child. She also thought I had no emotions. She never saw my tears. I hid them to not hurt her and yet I was called the insensitive one. Atleast dealing with me was easy most of the time. Maybe it’s because I was accustomed to making myself invisible or as little a burden as I could be. Hell, there were bigger problems than me and my little issues. It’s been difficult. And I lost friends, made some who still exist, but at the end of the day, I know I have effectively distanced myself from problems and people and the issues that come with dealing with people. I run… cos that’s what I’ve been shown.
My sister got married to a wonderful person when I was 11. I didn’t understand why she had to go away. I kept thinking of one thing. She was the one person who protected me, kept me a child. She shielded me from my mom’s anger. She took my side. She took all my temper and stupid ego issues. And she was gone far away. My mom always loved her more. I couldn’t understand that either. I just thought all of it to be so unfair. But now I know it’s because my sister was my mom’s strength through the separation and issues. Again, I felt like I didn’t fit. Like there was a loop and I was out of it. I felt like that with my whole family. I still do, I suppose. I never fit in with any of my nephews and nieces cos they didn’t understand me or my life or the circumstances I grew up in. I had no one to take my side. And I felt like I was watching. Everything and everyone from outside. A step back where I could see everything happen in a separate world of theirs. I was in my own bubble. The bubble I created to try not to hurt myself. Cos nobody would understand if I was hurt. Nobody could do anything.
I made it to college. Living with my aunt was tough. She was a blunt person. Was. Yes, she died. They detected the cancer one year into my stay there. We had a good life though… she would wake up and see me off to college. Be there when I got back to listen to my stories. She was strict. But I finally felt that I belonged somewhere and someone wanted me. Maybe because she was as lonely as I was. We shared so much. I had better friends in her age group because they liked the child I was. I had a long distance relationship to handle too. And I thought I could make it work. I was wrong about that too. My aunt was the most special person in my life. There was not a soul to help take care of her like I did, or so she thought. I knew her best. I knew the house best. I knew what would relieve her of the pain. People came and went and just watched. I learned how to take blood too because her sugar levels were erratic. I slept at hospitals after college when she would undergo chemo therapy or radiation. I juggled college and her. Took care of the maid, her finances, the family…slept at her side, cos that was not a ritual I was about to stop because she was sick. She was the most wonderful person on this earth. In many ways she was trying to make me a lady. Taught me how to pray. Taught me how to talk to people. Taught me how to cook, how to keep the house. Taught me how to enjoy the little pleasures of life. She loved life. She was larger than life. She handled everyone in the family. Kept the problems and issues between people in control. Everyone feared her, respected her and loved her. I didn’t have many friends then… but my long distance relationship was failing and I met someone else. He seemed to make my pain go away. He was there when I wished my aunt would die, because I couldn’t watch her suffer anymore. He was there for the laughs and the tears. I had become accustomed to not sleeping and caring for her all night. She wanted me with her.
And then one day I walk back home from college, walk into the house, and run to her room to check on her and tell her how my day went. And she wasn’t there. The whole house had an eerie silence. My other aunt was there, telling me they had taken her to the hospital because things got worse. Nobody called me. And I knew that this could be it. I didn’t accept it though. Went to the hospital, talked to her… she couldn’t breathe and yet she asked if I had eaten. I went home to get things for her… on my way back I get the call saying she had passed away. It didn’t sink for a long time. Not until I got there. And all my cousins were telling me to go to her and kiss her goodbye. I couldn’t go into the room. I fought them all and cried so hard cos I couldn’t say bye. I couldn’t let go. But I did anyway before the warmth left her body and before she was as cold as stone.
We went through the rituals and I was all alone with my whole family around me. I shifted to a hostel where I knew nobody. I cried many nights. Found solace in my boyfriend who would alleviate my fears. I couldn’t sleep nights. I couldn’t stop crying. But all this when no one was around. My whole support system and world had collapsed around me with her gone.
I tried to move on, make sense of life.. I did… made it through my Bachelors. Broke up with my boyfriend a million times cos he wouldn’t treat me good. Other women, bad behaviour.. I think I put up with all that cos I couldn’t let another person go. I made a couple of good friends. That too came with a lot of new issues and feelings to deal with. I was learning how to keep friends and to make my life more meaningful. The boyfriend, I broke up with when I couldn’t take it anymore. I had taken enough. My friends helped me realize that I deserved better. And that’s one time I let someone go out of my own will.
I had to deal with lonely nights… silence around me… and then there were lots of moments to cherish. I took to partying and having fun cos it seemed to put all the hurt away. The music so loud that I couldn’t even hear myself think. People still treated me like shit. Like they could walk over me and I’d say, “do it again!!”
People visit me. Family and friends come down from wherever or walk into my life unannounced. I witness a part of their lives and they leave. With a hug and a kiss, they leave. Sometimes without a word or an apology. Sometimes leaving me with nothing but memories.
They never understood how much they hurt me with words and actions. They never understood how much them leaving hurt. People only cared about themselves. Again, I was out of the damn loop when everyone else just seemed to be a part of it. Bad things happened to me, good things happened around me… It was more like touch and go… I’d get a whiff of the goodness and happiness and it would pass me by…. Happiness is like the breeze. A light caress. I shudder and it goes away. That why I like the rains better. It washes away everything. Touches me and soaks me.
I’m 23 now. 5 years since I moved out of home to make a life for myself. I may have achieved something with regards to education and a job. But as a person, I’m still bleeding inside. I have a job. I have a few people in office I call friends. But they can look at me and just not see anything. They can say things and do things that hurt me and not feel remorse. I have two best friends…. One who has left the country. I know she’s there if I want her. But she’s still so far away. The other one, is here, but far away most of the time emotionally. I don’t understand that either. I have to stay away from friends in office cos of one guy who is insecure about himself.
It’s another morning. I’m by myself at home. And I’m making coffee for myself. Hell, I’ve been making coffee for myself and others for all my life and nobody ever asks me how much sugar I want. Cos they’re not making it for me. They never offered either. I still sip it alone. I still sit by myself and wish the day would pass by more quickly so that I could go to sleep and not think about it.
Nobody asks me if I’m ok. Nobody asks me if I’ve eaten. Nobody gives a shit if I’m drowning even. And people just walk out my door once they’ve drained the coffee. They walk out and never look back. My whole life has been about abandonment. About things happening to me, without being given much of a reason or say in it. About people turning their backs on me cos its that easy to forget I exist and just might have feelings. I wonder if anyone ever notices the inner turmoil. I wonder if anyone ever thinks of what a smile would look like on my face.
I’m still by myself.