Stop.Rewind.Play

Betrayal, abandonment…. Not new to me…but every time it brings with a new revelation. Maybe about the person or about yourself. Abandonment is a word I hate.  It indicates helplessness. Vulnerability. Every possible opportunity for hurt. Who can you trust these days? And why don’t people treat you as well as you would them? Somehow I feel these issues within me, I keep thinking I can get over, are catching up with me…. The more I run, the faster it gets. There is no escape from hurt no matter how much I try to avoid it. There was a time I would face it head on and think dealing with it is the best way to go. Not true. You just unearth all those bad feelings you’re trying to forget. You know how a smell or a word or an emotion gives you a feeling of déjà vu?? It’s like that…I can associate this feeling of disappointment and surprise and hurt with all those bad things and people. And out of nowhere you realize a tear has escaped those eyes… I also realize I still can’t deal with it. Mainly because there’s nothing I can do about it.

People. Strange. Surprising. Alien to me. I don’t understand them anymore. I wish I could live in isolation. Would save me the trouble of trying to understand or figure out. There’s always a double meaning or hidden agenda or reason behind every question they ask. I question so much because I’m curious. I want to know what they make out of my words. Maybe its because I don’t like being discovered from my hideout. This wall I’ve built is here to stay. But they don’t know that. Every wall is another adventure. Once its broken, the curiosity, thrill and excitement are over. And they move on. They don’t see the ruins it leaves or the decay inside… I walk away again…. Cos I’ve been shown how and it’s the only way I know.

The dreams of yesterday,

Caress me and bid goodbye.

Making way for fate,

And its waltz with me…

Loose ends that have to be tied

People I’m leaving behind

In this place I called home

But a life I no longer know…

Life, as I know it, ends.

In a matter of days,

This will remain nothing

But a chaos of memories…

Reasons to stay,

I no longer have.

With an aching heart

I prepare to depart…

What lies ahead of me,

I know not.

Hopes I treasured,

I’ve begun to believe as lies…

Now I’m going, back to where I belong

But I leave a part of me here behind

And here it will stay

Till I finally find my way back.

I know not which is worse, me leaving or the fact that no one is in the least bit perturbed that I’m leaving. Well there is one person. But all I’m thinking is, after five years here, a million people I’ve met and known, many lives I’ve been a part of, and no more than one person will find anything amiss when I’m gone.

So I haven’t exactly touched anyone’s life even though I’ve spent a million nights crying over so many. Hours spent over the phone comforting so-called friends, parties, get-together’s and yet, nothing. Did I miss something? What is it about me that makes people pretend I’m invisible? Five years wasted and I’m forgotten like a passing face. I’m alive, but forgotten. I wish someone would see that and have a few nice words to say in this troublesome hour. Life is never easy, agreed. But does it always have to be this disappointing?

Or have I just been living in a world of my own with concocted images and perceptions of people and imaginary friends? Were they always like this? Did I fail to see them as they are? One of these days I’ll break and let the tears flow. And even then the only sounds one can hear will be of sobbing and racking cries. Not words of comfort being whispered into my ears…

So in this world of people I know, I’m still all alone. This life will always remain a lonely walk….

I want that day back,

When for a few hours, you freed my soul.

Now I just feel trapped with my thoughts of you,

And a dull ache settles into my core…

I want to call out to you,

And hear you call back from not-so-far away.

Now I just call out to the void,

And all I hear is the echo of my own voice.

I want to look back,

And find you two steps behind.

I look back expectantly,

And find a sea of nameless faces instead.

I wish I could join you halfway through a song,

Harmony would then have a meaning.

But there’s no one singing with me now,

And the song just fades into a memory.

I long to hear you tell me about your hopes and fears,

And I want to tell you mine.

Now without you to share it with, my dear,

These hopes and dreams are nothing but drifting thoughts.

I want to witness your ups and downs,

And I wish for you to call me yours.

For now this life is a walk down a lonely road,

I see nothing but darkness and despair to the fore.

These hopes and wants are not just the ramblings of a lonely soul.

They’re my call to you.

Feeling defenseless and vulnerable, I find no comfort in these thoughts,

Somehow knowing that they will remain hopes alone.

At this moment I find a reason to smile,

Life has a strange way of helping me along.

But just know that I’m waiting and still wanting,

A little more than yesterday…

The night is cold…

Filled with pain and longing

I get the feeling that this is it,

That there will never be another chance…

If I never speak to you again….If I never see that smile of yours again…

I’d want you to know and remember these words…

These things I never said to you…even when the moment was right…

I was screaming inside

But I felt numb and fixed…

You saw confusion in my eyes

It was fear, hurt and longing I felt inside.

So many things we left unsaid…

So many things we left incomplete…

If there comes a time when you think of me,

I’ll probably be watching the moon from far away thinking of you too..

If there comes a time when you want to cry,

Just know that I would’ve let you, all the while holding you…

If there comes a time when you feel pain but can’t show it,

Just know that I would’ve held your hand, and you would’ve seen a knowing smile on my face…

If you ever felt there’s too much stopping you,

Recollect the times when you let go and helped me let go…

The times when we laughed and felt hope

Before we were jolted back into reality…

Words will never be enough, we both know it.

And yet, that’s all I have now…now that you’re gone.

I want you to know I would’ve waited for you….

If you’d said one word….

No one’s made this difference in my life…

You’re the first. And hopefully the last cos I can’t go through this pain anymore.

I’ll let it all stay within me

With only tears to show how I feel….

It’s that time of the year again. Everywhere I go, there’s roses, chocolates, gifts, hearts, couples hand in hand, coochie-cooing at every resto and coffee place…  And it’s that time of the year when I feel I don’t fit in. It feels weird. Sad, even. I know I say I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day. Which is true. To me all this hype is just a really clever business move. And do couples really need one day to profess love and all that?

Last night as I sat alone in my room watching the clock strike 12 as I do on my birthday as well….I felt sad. Very sad. I just couldn’t stop the tears. This is the first time Valentine’s Day has made me cry. The sheer misery of it all.  I hate to say it, but it’s true. I’m there for everyone always. I was always the one making plans and what not… but there’s not one card or rose waiting for me ever. Not even a call. Lots of random messages and forwards, which if you know me, are a load of shit. As I cried I thought of all those people who’ve left my life or who’ve failed to understand me. I cried in the knowledge that not one person is thinking of me today. My wise(not always) friend tells me I should stop trying so hard. Trying to make people happy and showing anyone how I feel. And last night I felt that way for the first time. That all this is just not worth it. In the end, it’s just me and my loneliness. Nothing’s changed in all these years. I’m content with believing that this is the way it’s meant to be. You know how people automatically blame it on destiny when they don’t have answers or explanations!!

I realized last night that all these years I was waiting for someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet. I kept hoping that something would happen and I’d be really happy. Hopeless, incurable romantic, ain’t I? But nothing that mind blowing has ever happened in my life. If anything, I’ve always liked the wrong people. Maybe marriage is the answer? Maybe I will finally be happy and content when I can call someone my own. The exclusivity in a marriage is quite something. Maybe that’s exactly what I need. Oh have I mentioned that my darling sister has put me up on Shaadi.com? At the moment, it seemed hilarious and preposterous. Right now, I’m not so sure. Maybe she does know me. Maybe she does realize. Which is good. Cos I have someone looking out for me.

Maybe this is why relationships don’t happen for me. I still have hope. But now the theatre has shifted from my current single life to the possibility of marriage. Interestingly though, I’m still thinking of someone. Successfully managed to stay away from him for a week. It doesn’t mean I haven’t thought of him. Which is soo stupid. I know its not going anywhere. It never will. But ah. When a girl wants something, there’s no telling how much she will dream about it. Considering I can’t DO anything about it. Oh memory of him still makes me smile. Stupid jokes I still remember. Exchanged glances I still treasure. Why? Pathetic? Totally. But it’s just the way I am. I find myself humming this song….everytime I think of him….it goes like this…

“Digging a hole and the walls are caving in,

Behind me.

Air’s getting thin but I’m trying, I’m breathing in,

Come find me.

It hasn’t felt like this before

It hasn’t felt like home before you

I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel,

This way.

I miss you more than I should,

Than I thought I could,

Can’t get my mind off you….

I know you’re scared that I’ll soon be over it

That’s part of it all

Part of the beauty of falling in love with you is the fear you won’t fall

It hasn’t felt like this before

It hasn’t felt like home before you

I know it’s easy to say, but it’s harder to feel

This way.

I miss you more than I should,

But I thought I could,

Can’t get my mind off you….

And I hate the phone…

But I wish you’d call

Thought being alone, was better than…was better than….”

And so it goes……….

Sigh…. 

This is about someone who became very special in a matter of hours. Weird? Well actually, I’m sure many people have been through the same thing. Yet every experience would be different. Cos most would’ve ended happily. Don’t get me wrong. I was happy, but there was a twinge of sadness lurking somewhere in me. Have you realized that someone has swept you off your feet with laughter and honesty and sheer magic? It’s happened to me too. And there’s nothing logical or practical about it. But I know just one thing, I haven’t experienced so much happiness in a day… the happiness was short-lived. But that my friends, is the beauty of it all.  Practically a stranger to me, he effortlessly brought back so much to me that I’ll stay eternally grateful. Those two days brought back music, smiles and hope into my life. Showed me what I was missing. Showed me what it was I really wanted and what made me really happy. Oh the joy I felt…the wonder in simple friendship and time spent with near strangers. Going was an impulsive decision. But a good one, for once.

If there’s ever been times I’ve loved…times where the end wasn’t so happy, and yet times I would not change for anything….the 1^st to 3^rd Feb. would be it.

Beginning with an impulsive journey, a night of singing and endless laughs and ending with a look back at two people waving me goodbye…. I will probably never forget it….. Though I’d rather forget it now….it ain’t doing me any good remembering him.

Yes, him. He’s crazy, smart, honest, musically inclined, funny and good company. I don’t know him for too long. Then why is it that I find myself smiling over a lot of nothings in that trip? We yapped, sang, bullied each other, drank and well, did stuff that friends normally would do… I don’t trust people very easily. But this time, I found myself placing a lot of faith in him. Just for the person he is. He loves his family. So who doesn’t, you’d ask… well to see him express it so wonderfully was utter joy… I found myself wishing I was a part of that family. Crazy, yes. Stupid, yes. But what can I do with these things that pop into my head? No, I’m not in love. Atleast not yet. I won’t let myself fall in love with him, knowing I will get hurt. It’s stupid the way things happened. Cos I thought something did happen, but alas, I went back alone. But there are memories. Aren’t they enough? Then why the hell am I tormented?

At a time when I reflect on who really is a friend… who really cares… who needs me….and who wouldn’t think twice about taking your side. Where did I go wrong? Did I not see people as they truly are? Did I not understand who was for real? Did I not realize they were in it for their own good alone? There is remorse and regret now. But there is no point in that is there? The damage is all done. I wonder if people really think about the harm they are causing others. I wonder if they realize how much of a scar they leave. I am scarred. I am also scared. Forever in doubt, about myself and people around me. Who can I trust? How can I pour out my pain onto a screen or paper? How can I express how the tears burn as they burst out and trickle down only to be turned cold, with no fingers wiping them away apart from mine…?

How do I save myself before I turn cold? How do I feel again? Everything around me seems cold, impersonal, hurtful. I know I’m shutting myself away from the world. Now the minute I see someone, I feel like I know where they’re going. I feel like I know what they want from me deep down. That’s why it’s so much safer to shut myself in this room with only the walls to talk to. You think when you’re really low that maybe someone will see your pain. In all probability no one will. No one will know the true nature of your pain.  These are times when I believe this is something you have to go through alone. You don’t have any other choice, do you? Finding strength in yourself is important. But is tolerance strength? Is hiding, strength? Is silence, strength?

It’s surprising what difference age and experience can make…

            I still remember as a kid how I never could fit into the group, my cousins from out of town, formed. I mean, I didn’t understand their jokes or what showing the middle finger meant when I was in 6^th grade. I didn’t have or play the most raved games. Do we even have to get started about slang???? I mean, for reasons of my own, I never got the exposure they did. And it hurt me a lot those days that I was always their “madrasi” cousin. Just that, and nothing more. Just someone who scored the highest grades. Told my mother everything and was a crybaby. The kind of child their parents wanted them to be like. Miss goody two shoes. Just someone they saw once a year and had to live with just because we were related. I never made any difference. I always felt really bad about why my parents weren’t like theirs. Cool and understanding and free. But I must say, their parents always made me feel a part of their family. They are actually my cousins who just happen to be wayyy older. So technically, their kids are my nieces and nephews. Not my cousins. I did develop a lot of my insecurity and fears back then.

            But now when I think about it, it seems really stupid and lame. I think now I can have a decent conversation with my nephews and nieces without feeling out of place. It’s true that I still don’t get half the stuff they talk about. But both of us are older to know better. To know it doesn’t make as much a difference as it did earlier. I’m not “cool” among them. But I’m still their coolest aunt. Lol. 

            What really got me thinking about this is when one of them called me from abroad to wish me on my birthday. The surprising part was we were able to have a fun/funny conversation for more than 15 minutes. I suddenly didn’t feel left out. I suddenly felt, hell yeah. My family’s pretty cool. I can’t believe I didn’t make enough of an effort to talk to them earlier. It all depends on if you can still manage to keep in touch and tolerate each other despite your differences.

            One big factor in being able to get along with everyone is to keep your mind open. To not be judgmental. And to not have preconceived notions about them or they place where they’re from. Try it, and you might be surprised. That’s probably why I have friends from all walks of life. Different age groups. And it’s totally fine. You needn’t understand what they do or why they do it. You just need to accept people as they are and laugh it all away. Also, be frank. Be yourself. People will appreciate you for that. And learn to laugh at yourself too. It’s called being a sport. And oh, learn to keep secrets. (I’m still trying and learning)

            Friends sometimes comment on how everyone likes to call me and unload all their problems or whatever. Hey, maybe you’re busy. Maybe you’re not interested. But the fact is, you can still listen and always have in mind what a difference it would make to them to be able to talk to someone. Imagine yourself in their place and then it works just fine. Yes, sometimes people annoy you, take you for granted, and toss you around. But it’s all part of the game. Surely I’ve done that to people at some point or the other.

            It always troubled my ex boyfriend that I could strike up a conversation with anyone. Sort of made him jealous or annoyed cos I was getting along well with his guy friends. Trust me, my intentions were and are perfectly noble. And I always had more guy friends than girls. Always a tomboy. Always felt that all girls could do was gossip, bitch and talk about make up and clothes and lame ass stuff. I was soo totally not one of them. And then I came to a city where I studied in a girl’s college and stayed in a girl’s hostel. I found many more people just like me. And ended up making some really awesome girl friends. I know now that I can count on them more than anyone else. No offence to guys. But you really do think with your dicks. (Most of you. I’m glad I know a few who are better than that)

            My point is, you can get along with anyone. If you want to. And if they want to as well. Just bend the rules a bit. Don’t be rigid. It ain’t getting you no where. Your beliefs are yours. Not to be imposed on others. And remember that others are just like you. The day you understand that you will find your mind a lot freer and your friends will appreciate that. So what if a friend doesn’t party or drink?? You can still have fun. They can become designated driver or someone to rub your back when you throw up. Or better still, they’ll dance with you till the music ends.